he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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