Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
