She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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