grandma shit on top of the toilet
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
