i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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