There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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