I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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