When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
