Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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