Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
