I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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