he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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