matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
