Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
