we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
