i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
