My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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