no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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