I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
