So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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