You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
