Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
