my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
