My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
