He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
