Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I just threw up on my dentist
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
