Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Randomize
