I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning