i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
