I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
