can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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