i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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