I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
