Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
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