Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
