You surviving the open bar?
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I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
