Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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