I think I died a long time ago.
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
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