Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
