Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
