you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
