somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
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