So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
