True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
