i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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