if i can run in heels then i can drive
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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