Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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