her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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