Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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