well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
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Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
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You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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