A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
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After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
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Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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