Where is the hickey?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
