god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
