i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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