Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
