I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
