woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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