she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
