oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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