I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
